fear

One of the other moms had to be taken home from school today because she fell apart in class (she’s a teacher). The rest of us have worked our way back to semi-normalcy, but she’s been having a really hard time dealing with the loss. I would probably be in her same situation if it weren’t for my meds. As it is, the main problem I have right now is fear. I freak out if I don’t know where kiyose is. I call my mom and dad to check on them frequently to make sure they are OK. It’s as though having this horrible, random thing happen has opened a gate somewhere for more horrible, random things to come through. I’m terrified.

I’m not really getting much done at work. I’m trying hard, but I’m so easily distracted. I don’t want to up the dose on my meds because I don’t want to get to the point where I just don’t feel anything. I’m trying to take the least amount I can that will help me to be functional. I don’t want to be a basket case or a burden on anyone. I don’t want to be a zombie either. I also question whether the meds are helping me or just postponing the misery for later consumption. I don’t know.