at the fest

Today was hard. First, it’s exactly a week to the day since Sarah died. Second, I’m in Portland and the last time I was in Portland I was with Sarah. Third, it’s Brickfest and the last time I was at a Brickfest event I was with Sarah. This afternoon, I went to Powell’s and I had a hard time walking around. Sarah and I roamed that store for what seemed like hours and hours the last time I saw her. That was in December, when she was on her way to Mom’s. I got to spend one day with her. Finally, it’s been 17 days since the last time I spoke to her and that’s a really long time for us.

Anyway, I couldn’t really think straight, so I spent most of the time looking at blank books. I finally picked one out, bought it, and headed to the coffee shop. I sat in the coffee shop drinking a mocha and writing a letter to Sarah in the book. It is unbelievable just how much that helped. I wrote everything that I would have said to her if she were there, several pages worth. Then, I signed it “love, Mommy” and went back to the hotel for a nap. I wrote two more letters to her throughout the day. Now, any time I feel overwhelmed by missing her I can sit down and write in my Sarah book. I purposely got one that would fit in my purse so I can carry it around with me everywhere.

Also, I found some pictures of her and a video (!) on my phone. In the video, she is laughing. It was so wonderful to hear her voice, and laughing! I still feel sad inside, but it’s more of a happy sad, if that makes any sense at all. There’s no telling when the tears will well up at the most random things, but I’m coping. That’s all I can do right now and that’s OK.